Where I’ve Been

heatherkopp

[Quick note. I’m trying to move everyone over to Substack. I’ll post duplicate posts here only a couple more times to give people a chance to make the switch. I’m told this is the best approach. 🙂 Thanks!]

Yesterday, my husband Dave decided spur of the moment to go on a solo camping trip. 

As we hugged goodbye, he noticed a new bottle of my perfume on the counter. He picked it up and said, “Would it be pervy for me to spray this on myself so that while I’m away I can smell you?” 

I laughed as he sprayed some on his collar. 

His leaving now is good timing. I also have time off from my regular job writing reports for a psychologist, so it gives me time to talk to you. 

For those who used to read my blog, I thought I’d tell you a bit about where I’ve been all these years, in terms of writing. 

After Noah’s death in 2015, I was of course insane with grief for a very long time. I doubted I would stay alive, much less write again. But you can only sob and look at photos for so many hours in a day. At some point, I went back to work on a novel I’d been writing before the tragedy. What a relief! It felt so good to trade my world for a fictional one. 

My blog was a different story, though. After a few months, I wrote a couple posts, including one telling readers what had happened. They responded with an outpouring of sympathy and concern. I was grateful, but given the horror my son had wrought [see About], their kindness felt incongruous. Undeserved.

 A couple commenters agreed with me.  

After that, I couldn’t escape the feeling that I was disqualified from writing about my life for public consumption. I imagined that if I wrote about the shooting or my grief, I would appear to be seeking attention or sympathy. But if I wrote about anything other than the shooting, I would seem oblivious and uncaring. 

Ergo, my long silence. 

During those first years, I didn’t cope well at all. There was a drinking relapse. A psych unit stay. A marriage crisis. And a deep rift with God. 

I wasn’t reaching for healing so much as thrashing around in my pain. 

Then, around 2018, something shifted. With the help of a therapist, I began to deal with my guilt and shame. I revisited the scene of the crime, something I had resisted. And I became willing to face hard truths about Noah and his culpability. 

Eventually, I decided to write a book about what happened. It seemed like the most good I could do, especially given my vocation. What if our family’s experience, including our missteps, wrong assumptions, and lack of knowledge leading up to the shooting could help other parents of troubled adult sons?

What came next was a lot of looking back, reconstructing timelines, and delving into painful memories. It was devastating work, but healing, too. A little like exposure therapy. It felt like every time I revisited a painful moment, some of the trauma lessened. 

I wrote on and off for four long years. Dave helped with the writing, too, especially toward the end. The result was a well-crafted and brutally honest story. But now it was time to ask the real question: How many readers would actually spend money to take such a harrowing journey? 

The answer from publishers was clear: Not enough. Especially since I had no platform to promote the book. 

For a time, Dave and I considered self-publishing. It would be easy, since my sister is a professional typesetter. 

But something gave me pause. 

And that pause has lasted more than a year. 

Maybe someday I’ll make revisions and move forward. Or maybe I’ll decide that I wrote the book for catharsis only, and it should never see the light of day. 

The latter would be disappointing. But it would also signify something kind of astonishing. It would mean that the writer part of me loved the broken and hurting part of me so much that she was willing to slave away on that book all those years—just to help that girl heal.

Who knew I loved myself so much?  

Now, I hope I love myself enough to keep on writing here. It’s such a scary thing to even try. I’m sure I’ll talk more about Noah’s story; I have so much to say about related topics, like addiction and mental illness. 

But I also want to talk about what’s going on right now. Because my life is pretty amazing these days. I have a job I like. Wonderful friends. A son who lives nearby. 

And a husband who wants to smell like me. (Not pervy at all, Dave.)

Thanks so much for reading. I’d love to hear from you.

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Published by heatherkopp

29 thoughts on “Where I’ve Been”

  1. Hello Heather, I have been meaning to terminate my WordPress subscription. My website was at DiabeticHeartLifestyle.com, which has been discontinued. Can you tell me how to terminate the WordPress subscription?

    Thanks much, April Caudill

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  6. OH! This post is a wonderful light. I am so glad to “see” you– hear you and have your wisdom and wit freshly available! I don’t think I understand substack. 😦 Whew– old people trying to keep up! LOL But I love you in the Lord Heather– and so grateful for your story

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  7. Thank you, lovely Heather. I look forward to your new writings. In my humble opinion, what you have been through these last 10 yrs more than qualifies you to get your journey out there to those of us who truly want and need to hear it. Support and big love to you. 💕💕

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    1. Dear Heather I was so excited to see you had a new post. Years ago when I googled “Christian women alcoholics”or something like that your book popped up.it helped me so much. I also have dealt with a son with mental illness. And my heart was broke when you shared what happened with Noah. Your wounds were so deep and overwhelming. I’m so happy your emerging again and I’m here to read and listen.

      God bless you

      kim

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      1. Kim, thanks for this note. I’m so sorry to hear about your son. I bet you have been such a good mother to him. What a nice thing you said here, “I’m here to read and listen.” Thank you!

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  8. Heather, so happy to see your face and your writing again! Please keep it up. I’d love to read your unpublished book—it sounds brilliant.

    Love you.

    >

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      1. I’m still in Nashville, now in the Bible dept at Thomas Nelson–which is completely bizarre to me since I don’t function in the evangelical field anymore–and enjoying the south as much as I can. (HOW I miss the high desert!!) I’m one of the weirdos who stays off social media, so I’m not on Insta or FB, just good ole email. I hope you and Dave are well–WHERE are you now? Portland, Colorado, somewhere else? I miss you too. PLEEZ keep writing for all our sakes. : ) Love you.

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  10. Thanks so much Heather. Maybe there are more people than you realise who would ready your story! But it is also a help just to pen the difficult for your own recovery. I used to do that with poetry at one point in time. I wondered how willing you would be to just keep sending me your email.
    Every blessing and many thanks,
    Esther

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    1. Thanks so much for these words, Esther. If you’re subscribed to this blog, you should keep getting emailed, at least for a while. Best thing is to sign up on Substack, though I hear it’s a hassle to join/sign up. I’m not sure what to do about that or whether to keep posting on both. BTW, cool that you write poetry.

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  13. Incredibly glad to read your thoughts again, Heather. I found you over ten years ago when I was in early recovery, and something has always clicked for me in your writing. And it still does. Be well.

    Anne W. (Western Washington)

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  14. I can’t begin to express how grateful I am that you’re writing here again…with us, for us. I’ve come back from relapse, suffered the traumatic loss of a spouse, and have found healing in writing, in sobriety, and even in remarriage. Hearing from you, knowing what you’ve been working on, how you’re healing and that you and Dave are persevering (and just surviving sometimes), feels like I’ve reunited with a family member.
    Thanks for showing up again. It really matters.

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