Raw

Welcome to my blog-behind-my-blog. For a long time I used this place as a way to write post-like entries without having to worry they were up to snuff or worthy of posting for public. Since I don’t send them out, I feel free to be as raw and unedited as I want to be. Thanks for reading. Heather

January 31

This morning has been so hard. It’s amazing how grief works, how it comes in waves. My sis is putting together a compilation of blog posts from Sober Boots and she needed a pic of me. Searching through my iphone stream was like a blast from the past. So many people I love and don’t know when or if I’ll see them again, since I can’t imagine ever going back to the Springs. But more than that–a lot were my 50th birthday and they captured how much friendship and joy I had in my life. I was so unaware that like could turn brutal and impossibly tragic. The real wrencher were the pics of Noah holding my cake, etc. The memory of how “put on” a lot of that party. He ran the games and was so happy to do it.

It sent me into a place of devastation that I haven’t visited in a while. Even after the worst of the crying is past, there’s this leftover wound that pulses the rest of the day. God I miss my boy. God I miss my life. Just thought I’d write it down here in case someone reads it they can pray for me today. It’s one of those days when it’s hard to want my life, despite all the good things that remain. Grief doesn’t count those. It’s relentlessly focused on the losses.

Right now, it’s snow outside. Here’s a picture:

 

 

January 14, 2017

Today I decided to turn the site from private back to public. I keep getting so many requests to view it, and I haven’t had the heart to respond to any of them. I don’t even have it in me to write something new for “My Story” or “About Heather.” So much that used to be true isn’t anymore. I’m not even sure what I mean by that. At some point, maybe I will blog again, but for now I’m putting this up as a resource for those looking for recovery encouragement.

Dave and I are finally doing better–well, I won’t speak for Dave, just myself. Something lifted while we were on Christmas break. We talked a lot and decided to reclaim key areas of our lives where grief had stomped us flat. It’s been SO heavy, the sadness. And still, some days the shock. I still can’t believe what happened and how fast it happened. In just two weeks Noah went from–uh oh, I think Noah’s getting manic–to his death and others.

Anyway, I thought it was time to return to the world, show up on FB a bit and see if I can’t re-engage. I’m working on hard on revisions from my editor at Random House for my first novel. In the middle of all this hell I finished and sold the novel Noah had encouraged me to return to–something I started ten years ago. He remembered the characters names and said, “Mom, go do your fiction!” My sis said something similar and I was off. When Noah died, after I could put two sentences together, the novel saved my life. Seriously, it was the only mental activity demanding enough to take my mind off everything. TV couldn’t do it. Neither could reading. But writing a novel did–took my mind away somewhere else. I am going to publish it under my maiden name, though. It’s such a departure and it’s a totally secular novel, even if it has spiritual, redemptive qualities.

Dave and I still love living in New York. But more about that later, perhaps.. It’s a big accomplishment just for me to write in Raw. For some reason I can’t bring myself to write a post that goes to everyone. Let who finds me find me. The site is pretty stripped down, as I had lost all of my old design, etc.

If you’re reading this, I hope you find some hope here in the ashes of my old life.